what I wish someone would have told me

I was thinking about all of the things that I wish someone would have told me along the way in life to help life be a little easier, a little smoother of a ride. I was thinking about all of the things that could have steered my life a little to the left or a little to the right if someone would just have told me about them. Then I realized that even if they had told me, I wouldn’t of listened.

To be honest, people tried telling me things along the way all the time to help me in life. I just couldn’t relate and therefore just didn’t really listen. I didn’t realize that I wasn’t listening, I was just incapable of fully tracking with them since I had different experiences than them.

I didn’t understand the person that told me how hard it would be to pay back school loans once college was over. I laughed at the mom that always had to leave a function in order to get her kids home for nap time. I couldn’t relate to the person who had a hard time adjusting to real life again after a traumatic experience. I didn’t fully sympathize with the person who was going through hell in their life and couldn’t quite seem to get above water.

What someone could have told me though, was that as I started to experience life for myself, I would in turn start to understand their life a little better. It was only as I started to experience pain in my own life that I could fully start to understand and sympathize with others. It was only as I became a mom that I started to stop judging other moms for the things they did that I thought were crazy before. As life threw me a little hell to go through myself, it was only then that I started to understand trying to stay above water.

I think this is what Jesus may have meant when He talked about His power working best in weakness. As I started to realize my weakness in life I also started to be able to offer grace to people where I hadn’t been able to before. Walls of judgements began to crumble and new rivers of grace began to flow. As I experienced pain and discomfort and change, I was suddenly able to relate to people in new ways and a grace opened up in my life for other people that I so desperately needed for myself. It’s the things that have hurt me the most in life that have led me to grace the quickest. I’ve seen that the parts of my life that have been the hardest, the darkest, the biggest struggle for me, have been the parts where Jesus has been the clearest and the strongest. The heavy things and the hard things are what make us grow as people. The easy parts of life are fun and amazing, but they don’t usually end with me having as deep of a need and longing in my soul to love people and be there for them as the tough things do.

Someone could have tried to explain how hard life would be at times, or how beautiful, but there is just no shortcut to these experiences. Without them, we wouldn’t be able to see the light at the end of dark days for ourselves or experience the pure joy that new hope can bring. So while I could wish that someone would have made a list for me about how to get through life the easiest, what I am learning to wish instead is that when life gets hard, and ugly, and brutal, that I would just continue pushing forward, continue going through it, and continue knowing that in the process grace is being produced in me and hopefully, just hopefully, I can act a little more like Jesus through each step.


two years

It has been two years since I have written a blog post. Two years since I was sitting down to write about the loss of our son. Two years since the most heart wrenching, devastating time in my life. It’s been two years – which at times feels like an eternity, and other times feels like yesterday.

Two years later as I sit to write, I live in an entirely different part of the country, with different employment, a different house and different friends.  Just two years, and so much has changed.

Life can change in an instant or just slowly over time. Life is funny like that. Sometimes you feel like things are being thrown at you left and right while other times you feel like you’ve been waiting forever for something to happen. Either way, the constant is that change will occur, every time, no matter what.

I went back to read my last blog post before writing this, and boy was I a mess two years ago. I realize now, that when you are heartbroken you tend to ramble and be pretty emotional, go figure. It’s like going back to read a story written by a different person almost. All of the emotions and heartache still feel very much mine, but the story feels like it’s from someone else’s life. I couldn’t possibly have lost my son two years ago if you look at my life now. It’s just crazy how life can be redeemed over time. Two years and life is turning around and changing, it’s evolving.

Now as I write this I can hear my daughter giggle and see her trying to figure out how to get every tupperware out of the kitchen cabinet as fast as possible. Now, life is still messy but it’s also really beautiful. Two years ago I could not have pictured that life could be the way that it is now. Two years ago I had no idea that we would have a beautiful little girl, an amazing life, and so much more than we deserve.

Life will always change. The good, the bad, the messy and the beautiful. It will always be ever changing. No matter what you go through now, there will always be better days, more exciting days, less heartbreaking days. Jesus redeemed our story in just two years. There are always better days ahead.

It’s been two years and I am ready to write a whole new story.

This time, a story filled with coffee and sarcasm, with hope and fears. A story filled with our little girl, dirty diapers and more coffee. This time the story will be about how insanely awkward I am or how I really have no idea what I am doing as a mother. This time the storyline will be based on the redemption we have felt over these past two years, along with the daily mishaps of being a mom and wife. And if life decides to hit us with a ton of bricks again at some point, I will write about that too. This time the story will include anything and everything, the messy and the beautiful.

Maybe even an exploration of my love of Taylor Swift. So, there’s that.